I don't want to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but now that I have a baby, I catch myself thinking some really god-awful thoughts. Wanna hear them? You would.
Here's one. Sometimes I think this: Even though Raisin and I have spent so much time together -- really good quality time -- time that has meant so much to me and has made me feel all fuzzy inside. Even though he has been such an important part of my life (that's the setup, this is where it gets morbid), if I were to die tomorrow, he wouldn't remember me at all. There, I said it. Yucky to think that. Even yuckier to type.
Then there's this. I'm not usually one to live my life in fear. I wouldn't say that I was careless in the past, but I sort of had this nonchalant attitude that we all have our time to go and that there's nothing we can do about it. But now I have this little guy who depends on me. So now I feel like I owe it to him to do everything in my power to stay alive as long as possible. Lately I've been having this unexplained fear that the 3rd Street bridge is going to go out as I'm driving over it and because we now have the power windows in our car (I resisted getting them until now, specifically for this reason), I'm not going to be able to escape as it plunges down into the Mississippi River. I catch myself speeding up while driving over the bridge, so I can make it to the other side before the bridge goes out.
Did I mention the crazy dreams? Take this one for example: There's a big terrorist attack. There's a enormous cloud of brown poisonous gas making its way toward a huge crowd of people. Everyone's running for their lives. I'm carrying little e and covering him the best I can with my arms and pressing his face into my chest so that he doesn't have to breathe the poisonous gas. I've been having a lot of terrorist attack dreams panics lately -- usually having to do with explosions in cafes where I work. If you too would like to have some of your own, I suggest you rent, "the Battle of Algiers."
Sadly there are more. Yes, much more. But I'm creeping myself out right now so I've gotta stop.
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1 comment:
Hi Aim:
Just so you know you are not alone. One of my friends after having her first born started rolling down her window before going over bridges. I remember one cold winter night driving over the hoan bridge with her and the wee one and all of a sudden the car windows came down - and me saying what the $%#@ are you doing it is 0 degrees outside.
Aim
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